


Fools and Followers

by Masterweaver



Category: RWBY
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 20:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21624841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masterweaver/pseuds/Masterweaver
Summary: Team RWBY thought they knew how the world worked.Team JNPR thought they knew exactly who they were.Team CFVY thought they knew what their future held.Headmaster Ozpin thought he had a handle on things.All of them were incredibly, unbelievably wrong.And now the world of Remnant isn't sure whether it should tremble in fear... or unadulterated laughter.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	1. A Super Creepy Start

It was an ordinary day in the RWBY dorm. Yang Xiao Long was fiddling with her bracelets, because she really had nothing better to do. Blake was reading a novel that detailed a wondrous but of course entirely fictitious story about a girl in a tower. Weiss was working on a class project, three weeks before it would be assigned, because she felt a constant need to improve herself. And Ruby was contemplating the possibility of suggesting they go hang out somewhere because she was really quite bored, enough to be lying half out of her bed upside down.

Now, had these been ordinary students, they would not have been worth the attention of fate and/or the various peoples attempting to manipulate it. But due to circumstances beyond their control and in action since before their birth, they were far from ordinary–which wasn’t all that difficult, since ordinary did not exist. More importantly, they were far from the assumed definition of ordinary, even if they didn’t all realize it. Yang Xiao Long should have been the “most” normal, were it not for her family connections and central position in a drama she was completely unaware of (and she had a tendency to arouse the attraction of most people who noticed her). Blake Belladonna had the triple whammy of being a faunus, a daughter of a chieftain, and a former member of a terrorist gang, and she was also well-read (and also had a tendency to arouse the attraction of most people who noticed her). Weiss Schnee was the presumed heiress to the powerful and somewhat morally ambivalent Schnee Dust Company, intent on making herself the best self she could be (and therefore had a tendency to arouse the attraction of most people who noticed her). Ruby Rose housed a great magical power she was completely oblivious to and a great combat skill that kicked her up two years (and had a tendency to make people double-check the age of consent in their districts before wondering what the actual hell Vale was feeding its girls and HOW they could get it to other kingdoms).

They had been a team for around a month by this point. There had been some rough patches, mostly dealing with political disagreements, differences in study habits, and one particularly nasty incident with a hairbrush. But now they were ready to do what ordinary girls did–learn how to destroy the roving shadow demons which constantly threatened all of society using elementally charged crystal powder which most definitely was not magical and the power of their souls to heal themselves and grant themselves individual superpowers in what was also definitely not magic because magic wasn’t real and neither were fairies honest that was all just a myth. Stories. Fancy. Yep.

Unfortunately for them, their totally ordinary lives were interrupted when a girl vaulted through the dorm window, landing in a perfect closed fifth position.

Blake looked up and blinked in shock. “Ilia? What _are_ you doing here?”

“I just found out that Neon Katt is our daughter.”

The illusion of normalcy politely packed its things, and managed to leave the room just as the girls all started talking at once.

“Holy crabapples you’ve had premarital sex?!” Ruby cried.

“And you’re daughter is a student at Atlas academy?!” Weiss added.

“Wait if she’s a huntress, you’re not seventeen even if you look like it,” Yang realized. “Wow, you know what, I don’t even mind. If I look half as good as you at your age–”

“I _am_ seventeen!” Blake insisted. “I didn’t even know I had a daughter! I think I’d have known if I was pregnant–and, and I’ve never even banged Ilia!”

“Unfortunately,” Ilia grumbled.

“Besides, we’re both girls. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just, how are two girls supposed to have a kid?”

“Actually,” Weiss mused, “recent developments in genetic research have proven it is possible to cross-fertilize egg cells with each other, although that would require having access to both sets of cells.” She gave Ilia a look. “Did you–?”

“No,” Ilia insisted firmly. “I wasn’t the one who did this. In fact I have records–you remember twelve years ago back when Doctor Drake was giving us a checkup and we fainted?”

“You fainted too? I thought I was the only one!”

“Yeah, it turns out Adam bribed him to steal our genetic material and make a clone.”

Blake blanched. “Okay, that is creepy on so many levels that I have no idea where to start.”

“I do!” Ruby interjected. “Who’s Adam?”

“The head of the Vale branch of the White Fang,” Blake replied. “Also… we might have… had a thing.“

“A sexual thing,” Ilia said flatly.

“I was young and stupid.”

“Wait wait wait.” Yang held up a hand. “This guy steals your biomaterial, makes a daughter without you knowing, and starts dating you. I… sorry, _what?”_

“Yeah, I was _really_ young and _really_ stupid.” Blake shook her head. “I, uh… guy is crazy nuts. He hides it well but… well, let’s just say he’s basically the only reason I left the White Fang.”

Ilia blinked. “Really? I thought you loved him.”

“I was _incredibly_ young and _monumentally_ stupid.”

“Ah, the first crush,” Weiss mused softly. “I remember when Winter had hers… all the signs were obvious, but it wasn’t until she caught him in the middle of his job that she called it off.”

“What was his job?” Ruby asked.

“On-call rental sex toy.”

Yang snorted. “Oh, yeah, I think I remember the tabloids for that. I thought it was made up.”

“Only the part about the robot,” Weiss said with a sigh. “Thankfully it was so unbelievable everyone thought it was a hack job.”

“Can we get to the part where I apparently have an illegitimate daughter genetically engineered by my crazy abusive ex-boyfriend?” Blake managed.

“Right.” Ilia pulled out a set of papers. “I found this while I was rifling around in Adam’s documents, and… yeah, it details his whole plan for Neon. I didn’t believe it at first, and I don’t really know if it’s true, but if we can get a blood sample we can probably prove it.”

Ruby looked at the papers. “Wait, why were you rifling through his things?”

“Because Blake Belladonna decided to leave after a mission with him, despite staying on even after her parents left. That is incredibly suspicious. I thought there was some secret plan or something.” Ilia looked at Blake. “There is a secret plan, right? Infiltrate Beacon and…?”

“No, it really was just ‘Adam’s a crazy dick and he’s spreading his dickishness to the rest of the Fang so I’m going somewhere he won’t ever touch,’“ Blake explained awkwardly.

“…well, that just shatters so many of my illusions.”

“I’m only mortal, Ilia.”

“Anyway, back to the matter at hand.” Weiss cleared her throat. “What we need is a blood sample from Neon Katt. Fortunately, she is an Atlas Huntress, and therefore part of the Atlas military. Her medical records would be on file–all we need to do is access them. And we’ve recently made acquaintance with a young Huntress from Atlas ourselves.”

“Oh right! Penny!” Ruby beamed. “Yeah, I’m sure she’d be super happy to help!”

“So…” Blake gave her a look. “Call her up already.”

“Right! Yeah. Um. About that… I, uh…” Ruby rubbed the back of her head. “I don’t have her number.”

"Well, that's a problem," Weiss admitted. "Hmmm... how would we go about finding her?"

"I mean, she's a student at Atlas," Yang pointed out, "so general Ironwood would know how to contact her."

"True, but I don't know if the general would talk to us. We are just students. Of a different school, in fact."

"Maybe not to _us,"_ Ruby mused, "but... he would probably talk to Ozpin!"

"So..." Yang nodded. "We ask Ozpin to talk to the general to get Penny's number so we can ask Penny to look up Neon's medical records to confirm she is the genetically engineered daughter of Blake and Ilia?"

"Yep!"

"Sounds perfectly reasonable to me!"

Ilia stared at her for a moment, before turning to Blake. "So... everyone on your team is crazy, then?"

"Well, those two are sisters. And Weiss..." Blake paused for a moment. "Actually, Weiss is a Schnee knowingly sleeping in a room with a former White Fang agent, I guess that is pretty crazy."

"Hey! I--" Weiss stopped and considered what Blake had just said. "...you know what, you have a point. Wait, does that mean Ilia is a White Fang agent too?"

"Yes," said Ilia flatly.

"Huh," said Weiss.

"...that's it?"

"I mean, you're probably not going to try to kill me, right? Not until this confusion with Neon is sorted out, anyway."

"...wow," Ilia managed. "You really are crazy."


	2. Infinite Opening Moves

Professor Ozpin liked his drinks like he liked his hearth: warm, inviting, and invigorating. Most people would assume he liked his women the same way, and a few that he liked his men thus; in fact while he was quite fond of both genders and the individuals that fell outside, he did not appreciate the appeal in the same way that most of the population did. The experiences of his past were far too negative for him to consider that again. No, he left himself unsullied, as there were far more exciting matters than mere carnal indulgence; training young warriors, trying to eliminate prejudice, the eons-long shadow war with the malevolent queen of the grimm, and of course the ever-shifting realm of board games.

He had opted, this day, to drink hot cocoa. Oh, he drank coffee, despite it not really doing anything for him, but that was to keep up the illusion of maturity–not that he wasn’t mature, of course, by many definitions, it simply ended up that anyone who discovered his true favorite drink would roll on the floor laughing for some fool reason. Coffee and cocoa looked similar to the naked eye, anyway; an occasional bout of liquid maturity in a public setting kept most people thinking his mug constantly held the self-same draught.

Ozpin took a sip of his true favorite drink, watching over the rails as team CFVY attempted to outmaneuver each other in a game of Infinite Chess–the recent expansions really had shaken up most of the regular strategies. Velvet had just had one of her queens seduce Coco’s bishop when the pounding of footsteps caught his attention. He turned to find team RWBY and one other approaching him rapidly. The straggler noticed his attention and shifted behind young miss Belladonna, which spoke volumes of her past.

Ruby cleared her throat. “Professor Ozpin, you know that… thing that happened last week? At the docks?”

“I do recall it.”

“Well there was a girl there, Penny Polendina, and we really hit it off but I forgot to ask her scroll number and I’m sort of worried about her but I know she’s an Atlas huntress and I know you know mister Ironwood so I was wondering if maybe I could ask you to ask Ironwood to ask her to call me so I have her number because I really am worried for her. She, uh… she seemed super nervous and I don’t know if anything’s wrong.”

“Ah,” said Ozpin. “Well, I can certainly understand your concern. And the deep care you have for people is commendable, miss Rose. Of course Ironwood is a very busy man, and he may not be willing to attend to matters he considers to be trivial.”

Ruby leaned from one foot to the other. “Ah… well… I really want to check in on her. After, you know, all that happened. Yeah.”

“I see.”

Ozpin, carefully, sipped his mug and considered the way her silver eyes were deliberately not meeting his. It was obvious that there was more going on here, but whether it was the typical teenage drama of 'I think I might be crushing on this person I just met' or a more pertinent ideal of 'there's something really secret I want to do but I don't want to get in trouble for it'... or some combination of both, to be honest, it wasn't clear. Certainly team RWBY and their new friend didn't need to all join together if this was a romantic pursuit... although, given Ruby's young age, a degree of protectiveness that might range a bit too high could be expected.

“While we’re still preparing the wings for our Vytal Tournament guests, general Ironwood decided to bring along quite a bit of staff–they are housed in one of the tower suites, right now. Of course, I can’t just go telling any random first-year team which suite they’re in, as they are obviously quite busy and–”

“Does he just like being cryptic?” muttered the new girl to Blake.

“It’s one of my few indulgences,” Ozpin replied. “Miss…?”

The girl didn’t say anything, simply glaring at him.

“Hmm.” He turned back to the game below. “You know, miss Scarletina there… quite the story. No formal education, and she wound up overworked during her first year, so she was held back in her history class. But she has doubled down and pushed forward. Her team wouldn’t be the same without her.”

“…you are not nearly as subtle as you think you are,” the girl said flatly.

“Laundry,” Ozpin replied.

“What–?”

Ruby gasped. “Of course! If we get onto the laundry crew we can find out what suite the Atlas contingent is located in and then we can talk to Penny! It’s FOOLPROOF! Thank you, professor!” Like a shot she was off, her team following two seconds after–Blake dragging the strange girl along by the wrist.

“Hmmm.” Ozpin looked down upon the game again. Surely team RWBY would let him know if anything truly important happened.

Oh, one of Yatsuhashi’s rooks had just declared itself bankrupt. Fascinating.

The concept of infinite chess was not a new one, to be fair. Chess itself was far too structured to appeal to a mind that desired a true challenge, where opposition could come in any form and had to be adapted to. It was a good introduction to the concept of tactics, but once the basic form was grasped... then again, perhaps Ozpin had a skewed perspective on such a matter.

Still, the appeal of infinite chess, strange a game though it might be, was certainly one he could comprehend. Where rules could twist and writhe, where pawns did more than simply move about, where each piece on the board had a personality... and that it could be so easily adapted to multiple players. Ozpin had heard of wilder games, true. But none so persistent as this one. Perhaps only because its pieces could be easily obtained, but perhaps again because...

He paused for a moment, looking after where team RWBY had run off to. There was something strange about that whole encounter, he had to admit. Perhaps he should look into this Penny girl's past himself.

Or perhaps...

Ozpin considered the various rumors that had, once upon a time, surrounded team STRQ. If such were to happen to team RWBY... Well. He might have to call up their parents.

But he'd wait a few weeks before doing so. Best not to make assumptions.


End file.
